How To Train Your Ichigo
by Baxter54132
Summary: For all you Ichigo homeowners out there. This is a quick and easy guide to help you train your Ichigo. One-shot IchiRuki T for suggested mature theme.


Well the poll on my profile page is very biased because of PUKAT, so I decided to write an IchiRuki to try and even the score. Everyone go vote!

I hope you all enjoy this one-shot. In the end bit, Ichigo and Rukia are already together. Just saying…

Disclaimer: I am sadly not the owner of Bleach. Tite Kubo owns bleach and as far as I know, it is not for sale.

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Introduction

If you are reading this book, it means that you are in possession of an Ichigo. Ichigo is a very high maintenance species and requires a lot of care. In these next 3000 pages, you will learn how to tame and control your Ichigo. Just kidding, it's only 10 pages. By the end of this book, you and your Ichigo will be friends for life, lovers, or maybe both, maybe…..

Chapter 1: Identifying your Ichigo.

First, we must identify whether the species you possess is truly an Ichigo. Ichigos are pretty rare and there is a chance you have actually possessed a Kaien or maybe an Ashido. If so, I have written separate books on each of these species. Now, the first characteristic of an Ichigo is his scowl. This is the easiest way to identify your Ichigo because his scowl never leaves his face. Whether he's happy or sad, he will scowl. Second, Ichigo is very tall. Some people say that it is only because I am not tall, but this is not true. The Ichigo is somewhere around 6 feet tall, that is not normal height! Third, an Ichigo will always have short, spiky, orange hair. This hair tends to be loose on his head and is blown around in the wind. If you try to gel this hair, it will refuse and pop back in a comical manner. Lastly, an Ichigo will always argue with you. If you say, "the sky is blue," he will say, "No! The sky is purple." Even though he is wrong, he will argue just for the sake of arguing. I will talk about how to stop the arguing in chapter 4. Now that you have identified your Ichigo, continue to chapter 2.

Chapter 2: How to control your anger around your Ichigo.

Ichigo tends to get on everyone's nerves, including yours. You may tell him, "don't save me," but he won't listen. Here are a few things you can do to calm yourself down when you get angry at Ichigo. Kicking him in the shins always calms me down, and some form of physical violence may help you. Also, intense verbal arguments with Ichigo always make me calmer, especially since I always win. There are simpler ways, like counting to 10 in your head, taking a deep breath, or simply turning away, but I do not recommend these methods, they will not work because Ichigo is simply too annoying for them. I have found that the best method is to start crying, Ichigo is a sucker, and immediately becomes a nicer guy. Now you know how to ignore your Ichigo, let's move on to controlling him in chapter 3.

Chapter 3: How to get your Ichigo to do what you want.

It's very simple, blackmail. I'm sure your Ichigo has a crazy family like mine does, simply convince them to give you everything from his childhood. Tapes of him as a baby, a teddy bear he used to play with, anything that you can hold against him. Then when you need him to do something, pull out said bear and use the sweetest voice you can to threaten him very soundly to take all of this stuff and show it off at school. If that doesn't work, take a deep tone in your voice and get really quiet. Ichigo doesn't like quiet things, and this will intimidate him into doing what you want. Once he does what you wish, make sure to hold onto his blackmail items for another day. Eventually, he will just get used to doing what you ask, and it will become a regular thing. Now that Ichigo listens to you, let's learn how to stop the arguing in chapter 4.

Chapter 4: How to stop arguing with your Ichigo.

I know I said in chapter 2 that arguing helps make you calmer, but the truth is it only makes your relationship more strained. Even if you like to argue, the truth is that Ichigo does not. He would prefer if you never argued, and is probably sick of all the games you play involving arguing. I have found, that when the arguing really gets bad between us, we won't talk for a week. I have put a stop to our arguing, and you should do the same. When an argument starts up with your Ichigo, never go on the offense, don't attack him and only defend yourself if he attacks you. Don't argue about the simple stuff like who is taller, clearly, your Ichigo is probably taller. To end a fight, simply make a sad face and say that he never listens to you. He will immediately start listening to you, and the argument will disperse. Now that you are no longer arguing, it's time for chapter 5.

Chapter 5: How to keep annoying females away from your Ichigo.

Your Ichigo's scowl will scare away most of the females. A few will still remain however, and those are the ones you need to deal with. If you spray your Ichigo with skunk spray, it will eliminate a lot of the competition. You will have to deal with the smell, it will be worth it. If the person who you are trying to scare away is extremely unintelligent, tell your Ichigo to tell that person that they want to be "good friends" with them. The unintelligent person will agree to this, and your Ichigo will no longer feel like this girl is trying to get his attention from you. For the intelligent ones, you need to chase them down with a shovel. Just kidding, all you need to do is have Ichigo tell all of them that he is not interested, and if they are truly intelligent they will leave. All of the competition is gone, now it's just you and your Ichigo. On to chapter 6.

Chapter 6: How to get into your Ichigo into your pants.

That is a secret ;)

Conclusion

Now standing before you should be a calmer and cooler Ichigo. Your relationship is perfect, and he listens to and obeys your every command. If you look at your Ichigo, and see that he is no longer scowling, go back to chapter 1, because your Ichigo not be who you think he is. I hope you have all enjoyed "How To Train Your Ichigo," Next month I will be coming out with, "How To Control Your Renji," Until then, this is Rukia Kuchki, signing out.

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Rukia sniffs the air and glances over at Ichigo as his usual scowl deepens. "What's that smell?" she asks him suspiciously.

He shrugs, "I don't know, Orihime came and sprayed me with it earlier, and then she just ran away giggling."

Rukia chuckles and covers her mouth to try and hide it.

"What's so funny?" asks Ichigo.

Rukia shakes her head, "Nothing Ichigo, nothing, but we aren't kissing until that smell is gone."

"What? Rukia…."

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Yay for fun one-shot writing. Don't forget to go vote in my poll please.

I made a community for the "How To..." series, so you don't have to file through my profile page to find all the stories, here is the link, just take out the spaces:

www .fan fiction community /How_To_ Series_Collection /75354/

Oh, and please review :)


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